January 9, 2008 by multiracialsky
The last two weeks have flown by, and still I’m mired in my perpetually lengthening to do list. I’m almost there on a couple new items: the finishing touches over at MultiracialSky.com and the launch of my first Etsy store. We’ve also had two kids with the flu, one with an earache, hosted a birthday party (and had a birthday), worked out our 2008 budget, had a 4-day visit from the in-laws, and sent Daddy back to work after his 10-day vacation.
Upcoming events include weekly ballet/dance classes for Jaja and Rico (and maybe Gretel, if the teacher will take a three-year-old), my monthly meeting of the Undoing Racism group (from my training last fall), the Antiracism/White Privilege training curriculum I’m developing, as well as a possible part-time job working on Racial Justice in our state. Plus the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, art projects, flashcards, puzzles, and cleaning that go on here every day.
I get stuck in my own conflicting philosophies, whether it is better to make yourself happy (whatever happy means) or to help other people. Whether intimately touching a few lives is more important than (potentially) influencing many from a great distance. I am pulled between all the the dreams I had/have for my life, and I stand frozen at crossroads where I must choose one or the other; I stop at other places where my dreams and my partner’s do not intersect, looking, hoping for a bend in the road ahead that will bring our aspirations together, even when I am fairly sure there is none.
I am caught in a place where I wonder inside myself, day and night, whether it is enough to simply live a good life, if the choices I make speak for themselves. Or if I must be a loud and busy activist to right all the wrongs I see in this world, especially the injustices that effect some of my children more than they effect me. I definitely have Survivor’s Guilt, as Jae Ran so eloquently describes.
I wonder if I could just be a full-time painter, with a housekeeper/nanny, let my kids go to any old monoracial school–if this imaginary life is even in me anymore. I am stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I never let go (for good and for ill). I know this about me; I don’t know that it’s something I can change. I stand here looking at all the possibilities I’ve been (barely) keeping in the air. It’s time to make some choices, because for the first time in my life, I know I can’t have them all. Not in this lifetime.