Which belongs?


September 24, 2007 by multiracialsky

My son was writing in his ‘workbook’ the other day. We’re homeschooling in the eclectic-semi-unschooling-style; the workbooks have been around for over a year–my kids think they’re fun. The books are actually a great distraction for a cranky kid who is not going on the errand with Dad. So, the workbook . . . this one came home with Rico from a trip to grandma’s house. It’s a general preschool-skills book. I’ve been happy with it so far (multiple races of kids; both genders) my only complaints are the coloring-in busywork (which he generally skips) and the staying to stereotyped gender roles–even for the anthropomorphised animal characters.

Rico is starting to read, but he doesn’t sound out multiple unknown words on his own. So he asks me to read the directions at the top of each page. He turned the page, called me over, and I saw this picture:

The directions said,Which puppies belong to this mama? Draw a line from the mother to her puppies. I paused. I had to think of alternate directions. “What does it say?” Rico asked.

“Uh, it says, ‘Which of these puppies looks like their daddy? Draw a line from the Daddy dog to the puppies that look like him.'”

I get it. It’s a ‘sorting’ skill. But the matching and the ‘which one doesn’t belong’ games bother me; it’s all a matter of perspective. In their workbooks, my kids cross off items that would be graded ‘wrong’ in school. They X art supplies and sporting equipment off the toy shelf, and leave the cowboy hat and the violin–because at our house the basketball lives in the shed, the paints are in a downstairs cupboard, and the dress-up clothes and musical instruments are with other the inside toys. My kids find connections between all sorts of random pairs–a dog goes with a piano because they both can make a really loud noise. Okay. I value the creative thinking over the ‘matching skill’.

I found myself singing today. Remember this Sesame Street song?

Three of these things belong together.
Three of these things are kind of the same.
Can you guess which one of these doesn’t belong here?
Now it’s time to play our game; it’s time to play our game.

I know a mom (who has two White bio kids and one adopted child of color) who was posing for a photo with her husband and children at a large family gathering. This mom’s brother–her children’s uncle– started singing, “One of these things is not like the other . . .”

Society, school, and parents are passing down to the next generation arbitrary rules about what ‘goes’ together. Apple + Orange + Banana = FRUIT. Mother + Father + Baby = FAMILY. Today, the baseline assumptions about what a family looks like are the same as they were fifty years ago in the U.S. At best, elementary school curriculum offers a unit on, or at least a nod to, ‘different’ kinds of families. That ‘traditional’ family–1 mother, 1 father, and 2 or 3 children, all the same race–plagues all of us who fall outside that model.

There are a lot of us post-traditional families nowadays. We are multiracial families, single parent families, two-mom or two-dad families. We are foster families, ‘chosen’ families, blended families, and families with 4, 5, 7, or 10 children. We are families headed by grandparents, aunts, uncles, older sisters or brothers. Each one of us, a unit of two or more people caring for each other, each is a family. We are connected through love, blood, promises, circumstances, court decrees, and the daily grind. We are all kin.

As parents, we must be careful how we teach our kids about the concept of ‘normal’, and what we model for them about the weight and meaning of this subtle and powerful word. I want my kids to know that what they are, and their family composition, is normal–because it is. They do not have to (nor should they) change any part of themselves to feel they belong.

Belong where? Belong to what? First and most importantly, I want my children to belong to themselves, to be comfortable in their own mind and skin with who they are. I also want them to feel they belong to our immediate family, our extended families, their birth families and ancestors, their local community, their ethnic communities, and the world.

When I look up ‘belong’ in my thesaurus, I find: feel right, fit in, integrate, go well with, blend in, assimilate. I want my kids to feel right, not to feel pressure to fit in, to feel integrated into our family and community, to find friends they go well with, to blend in with their classmates, never to assimilate (conform) into anything they are not. Once again, we are walking fine lines. I want to model valuing diversity in people and families, without implying one must be different from the majority to be significant. I want my children to be able to blend in (physically and socially) if they choose to, but never to suffer from personal, familial, or societal pressure to conform. I know we cannot escape from some of these pressures; I want my children to be strong and proud and even defiant in the face of the pressure to ‘match’. (I love my thesaurus; it took me from conformist to conventional person, follower, sheep.)

We are raising independent souls here, free thinkers who will decide for themselves who and what belongs, or whether the rules are bogus and everyone should decide for themselves. Who belongs? It’s up to them.


3 thoughts on “Which belongs?

  1. Susan says:

    Holy crap. A friend of mine sang that Sesame St. song to ME once, when looking at a family portrait of me and my adoptive parents together. (we’re not “matching” either) Hearing that song, or remembering it, sends a little dagger through my heart.

  2. chughes says:

    The directions you gave were terrific.
    When i read this, i did not realize the implications of such an exercise, had never thought about it like that. But it is like that. What a powerful, dangerous and confusing sentiment being taught to our young children!

    i guess because my husband and i are both multiracial, and our brothers and sisters are all in inter-racial relationships, one in a lesbian relationship, and have multi-racial children, my girls are more aware than some of different kinds of families.

  3. titus2woman says:

    I love this post~so nice to “meet” ya! We are colorful through marriage and homeschool too, so we have a few things in common! (((((HUGS))))) sandi

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