On Privilege and Responsibility

This is a post in response to the Anti-Racist Parent column, Is Privilege Offensive?

Privilege is absolutely not offensive. Scary to talk or think about? Yes, it can be. For many of us who have to talk to our kids about the high level of privilege our family experiences, it involves telling them about people who are just like them/us who do not have some of the basics that our kids often take for granted: food, shelter, parents, clothes, band-aids, heat, diapers, and the more complicated stuff like a fair trial, a fair chance in college admissions, or equal opportunities to create a livable existence for themselves and their families. If some people are underprivileged, that makes the rest of us overprivileged.

We talk about privilege in our family, with our children, all the time, although we don’t always use that exact word. We talk about my and my partner’s beliefs about the equality of all people, and also about the resources, choices, and opportunities our family (and our kids) have that are unfairly available to only a select a group of people. It can be hard to talk with children about the lack of privilege others are experiencing daily, especially when it manifests as extreme poverty, but I believe we as parents must do it anyway.

Imagine this: Three people are in a 100 meter race. The first person is standing relaxed at the starting line, stretching and waiting for the race to begin. One minute before the race begins, the second person arrives (panting) at the starting line. As the starting shot is fired, the third person runs up–and the three racers are off. The first (waiting, relaxed) person wins the 100 meter race–but not by much. Now, does it change anything to know that the second person had to run 100 meters directly before this race, and the third person had to run 400 meters right before the race? Is the first person the fastest runner? Is the first person truly the winner? Is it a ‘fair race’ if we only take into account that final 100 meter distance that all three runners were required to participate in? This story (that I’ve read in different forms many places) illustrates how privilege works. If you imagine the race from each runner’s perspective, this story also shows how difficult it can be to see (and understand) the other runners’ viewpoints.

I do not want my kids to grow up thinking they are simply ‘lucky’ and other kids are ‘unlucky’. It’s definitely not that simple. There are individual and institutional daily choices being made (as they have been for hundreds of years) that consistently privilege certain groups of people above others. People are privileged based on race (both perceived and actual), skin tone, gender, sexuality, religion, income, education, marital status, and physical ability, to name some of the most common factors.

I believe those of us who find ourselves more privileged in this world do owe something to those who are less privileged. I often wonder what would happen if we each did all we could for those who–for whatever reasons–have less privilege today than we do. What does true activism look like? Is it enough to speak out against offensive jokes and comments, to be an anti-racist parent, and to purchase a cartful of groceries for the food-shelf once a month? Can I expect the world to change if I am not working towards that change myself? Can I expect someone else to step up and do something I myself am unwilling to do?

Note on those ‘Got Privilege?’ t-shirts: I first saw one worn by a new friend I met at the Loving Conference last year (and yeah, I still want one). My friend is White. The majority of people I have met who have been to the White Privilege Conference are White. (I originally thought it was a conference for White people.) So my frame of reference for the shirts is a bit different because I initially met and pictured White people wearing them. I think those t-shirts are great, by the way. They are for anyone–of any race–to wear, anyone who is aware of their own privilege(s). I see these shirts as similar in message to the ‘Don’t assume I’m White’ t-shirts, worn by both PoC and White persons alike. The point is not whether the person wearing the shirt is or is not White–the point is to get people thinking about their racial assumptions. And the ‘Got Privilege?’ shirt is to get people thinking about privilege, hopefully about their own.

A meme of sorts

I’ve been tagged twice in the last month, and I haven’t responded (felt kind of like a chain letter, and a lot of person-related questions). Instead, I’ve tweaked the requested lists and added a few more relevant (changed favorite TV shows to favorite books, since we don’t have a TV) items of my own. WARNING: There are a lot of links . . . Here goes:

What I Am Most Passionate About (these days):

• My family, especially my children: Jaja (6), Rico (5), Gretel (3.5), and Teri (2)
• Antiracist Activism
• Social Justice in the United States, and in the world
• Adoption Reform
• Multicultural and Anti-Bias Education
• Organic Food and Real Food
• Multiracial Families
• Open Adoption
• Multiracial People

Musical Artists I Could (and sometimes do) Listen To All Day:

• Ben Harper
• Gillian Welch
• Lenny Kravitz
• Ani DiFranco
• Nick Ogawa
• Shakira (in Spanish)

New Music I’m Listening To (on repeat):

• Wyclef Jean ~ Carnival Vol. II: Memiors of An Immigrant
• Soundtrack from the movie Once
• My friend Katherine Quinn (in her pre-mama days)

Old Favorite Books:

• Childhood: A Multicultural View 
• A Question of Balance: Artists and Writers on Motherhood
• Everyday Acts Against Racism
• The Unschooling Handbook
• The Family Nobody Wanted (Helen Doss)
• Bird by Bird (Anne Lamott)
• Natural Childhood
• Beach Music (Pat Conroy)
• The Wedding (Dorothy West)

New Favorite Books:

• Why Do I Love These People? (Po Bronson) 
• A Right to Be Hostile (Aaron McGruder)
• Little House on a Small Planet
• Some of my Best Friends: Writings on Interracial Friendships
• Strong Hearts, Inspired Minds: 21 Artists Who are Mothers Tell Their Stories 
• Hope Meadows
• Rethinking Columbus: The Next 500 Years
• I Dream a World: Portraits of Black Women Who Changed America

Multiracial Family Blogs I Visit (just about) Everyday:

• This Woman’s Work ~ Black/White/Jewish/Bio/Adoptive/Writer-Mom Family, with 2 children
• Johnson-McCormick Family ~ Black/White/Haitian/Adoptive/Bio/2 Career Family, with 2.5 children
• The Brodie Bunch ~ Latino/White/Bio/Adoptive/Special Needs/Single Mom Family, with 39 children
• Heart, Mind and Seoul ~ Korean/White/Bio/Adoptive/Adult Adoptee Family, with 2 children
• Reading, Writing, Living~ Asian/White/Bio/Adult Adoptee/Writer-Mom Family, with 2 children
• Peter’s Cross Station ~ Black/White/2 Mom/Adoptive Family, with 2 children
• Los Angelista’s Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness ~ Black/White/Bio/Writer-Mom Family, with 2 children
• Karen Cheng’s Little Snippets of Life~ Australian/Chinese/White/Bio Family, with 2+ children

Other Daily Stops:

• Racialicious 
• Anti-Racist Parent
• Resist Racism

Blogs I visit once a week (or so): 

• A Family Affair ~ Asian Mom-to-be
• Daddy Diaries ~ Latino/Black/2 Dad/Foster/Adoptive Family, with 1 child
• Culpability ~ Black/White/Ethiopian/Adoptive Family, with 2 children
• Harlow’s Monkey~ Korean/White/Adult Adoptee/Social Worker-Mom Family, with (I think) 2 children
• Ignore the Crazy ~ Black/White/Bio/Adoptive/Special Needs Family, with 3.5 children
• Jocelyn’s Stories ~ Black/White/Bio/Writer-Mom Family, with 1 child
• My American Meltingpot ~ Black/White/Spanish/Bio/Writer-Mom Family, with 2 children
• Scraps By Nobody ~ Black/White/Bio/Adoptive/Special Needs Family, with 6+ children
• Process ~ Social Worker in the Foster Care System
• Mixed Race America

So Funny I Forgot to Laugh

As suspected, this has turned out to be a hoax after all. It’s not clear if it’s a joke, or if it’s a misguided attempt to draw attention to the messed up adoption industry–and the immense need for adoption reform. The same things about the website are exploitative, even if it’s not real. And the same things still concern me. I think Mia says it best:

The sad truth of the matter is that this website isn’t that far off the mark of what goes on in the adoption industry every single day. Maybe that’s in part why I find it so entirely disturbing.

Please also read these posts:

• Paula’s view as both an adult adoptee and an adoptive parent
• Suz’s perspective as a reunited first mother and an activist in the adoption reform movement

Living Inbetween

Pinch-hitting with Hairstyles: Teri’s hair is slowly growing out in the back from long-rubbed bald. She finally has full cover back there, but only maybe 1/3 the length of the rest of her hair. For quite a while, the back was so short I couldn’t really do anything with it–and it was so short it didn’t tangle. But late last summer her hair grew to the point where it was prone to snarl, and I was left struggling for hairstyles that incorporated the bitty-fuzz in the back and didn’t look totally goofy. I don’t like to do the same style over and over because it pulls the same hairs in the same direction, and her hair needs a rest. Aside from the 24 hours after a full bath and hair conditioning, her hair is always styled nowadays: the length, the winter dryness, the hats. I’ve looked and looked for pictures of styles for toddlers/young children with short-ish kinky hair who can’t sit still for long (and will probably get peanut butter in their hair and need the style taken out after less than a week). Not much. So I’ve made up my own hairstyles. I’ve looked at books and online for ideas, and then modified them to something that works for us. This picture above is a current favorite we’re calling Star Hair (to accompany Rocket Hair and other family-named styles).

Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: Last Monday night I took Jaja and Rico to the college’s evening MLK day celebration. I go to events like these and am reminded how White our town really is–it’s not my imagination. There are a couple transracially adopted kids of Color, a handful of adults (parents) of Color that I know socially, and a slightly larger handful of college students of Color. On MLK Day, my husband was listening to NPR and heard a Person of Color from our state talking. This person said, from their perspective, the people here (in our mostly White state) are not racist, they are simply very inexperienced with People of Color; the end result may look the same (racist comment), but the intent is totally different (I don’t know that I agree with this point of view, BTW). This person also said it was exhausting having to educate people here about race day in and day out (this one, I totally agree with).

Sibling Dynamics: My three oldest kids started a dance class last week, but it didn’t go well. I received a call from the recreation department earlier in the week letting me know the teacher was concerned about having siblings in the same class, and that they were considering splitting the class into two classes. (This is a 45 minute class in a town 20 minutes away.) It turned out there were 10 children in the class today, 5 of whom are part of sibling groups (my 3 and a set of twins). The teacher was not happy. It is little things like this (a pre-stated prejudice against sibling groups) that push me right over the edge. I assumed my kids would be minorities in this class–and they were (Rico was the only boy and Jaja was the only visible child of Color) but the triple whammy is more than I can comfortably swallow. The kids had really been looking forward to this class, but all three of them (separately and for different reasons) said they didn’t have a good time. And Jaja was decidedly not smiling when I arrived to pick them up. We’re dropping this dance class.

Race–The Power of an Illusion: I had the opportunity to watch the 3rd part of this film (for the third time) recently. All I can say is, you have to see this movie. It will change your entire perspective on race in the United States.

Segregated training–other perspectives: I have been thinking a lot in the last week about segregation, including voluntary segregation. The overall consensus (of the varied people I have consulted) seems to be that it is okay to have segregated groups–that they serve a purpose. These include groups that are segregated by gender (”men’s groups”), sexual orientation (”lesbian couples group”), or race (such as the “People of Color focus group” I was a part of). The caveat is that there should be another group available for someone who wants to join such a group but is ineligible for whatever reason (a women’s group, a single lesbians group, a hetero couples group, etc.) which leads us into a “White people focus group”–which is not a far shot from a Whites-only training.

Here are my hang-ups with this separate-but-equal line of logic. (1) Separate is never equal. (2) What about the in-betweeners? The multiracial and biracial people. The students of color raised by White parents. The bisexual and transgender people. The people who are breaking up with a partner or just getting together with someone new. Is is really in our best interest (or even feasible) to have separate groups for everyone? We’re losing a growing number of people through the cracks here by making the qualification-criteria so specific. They’re shutting out all us in-betweeners. And when we have more than one in-between identifier, we can feel practically invisible (like some of the amazing Women of Color bloggers I’ve been reading who are commenting on the Obama/Clinton dichotomy: gender vs. race. Where do Women of Color fit into this dyad?).

Speaking of biracial: Here’s a great interview with Barack Obama’s sister. Barack (as we all know by now) is biracial: White mother and Black Kenyan father. Barack’s sister (the one interviewed here) is also biracial: White mother and Indonesian father. I also found an insightful article about Barack’s experience growing up in Hawaii as a biracial Black youth.

Segregated Training?

I’ve been working on a curriculum for anti-racism training for a while. I am also the point person for the Education/Training sub-committee of our Undoing Racism group. I met with another committee member to discuss training ideas, and also to hear about a workshop on White Privilege she is currently co-leading at the local college. As we talked, I realized that she and I have very different perspectives on the purpose and best structure of training, specifically on the racial composition of groups.

Let me explain. During our conversation, I told her that my biggest challenge in designing a training for our area is the inherently racially unbalanced group we would be training (think at least 75% White, probably more). She talked about how People of Color have carried the burden of educating White People about racism for too long, and how it’s time that White People take on the responsibility for educating themselves. I was with her so far. And then she said we should be designing a training on White privilege for White people only–led by White people. I asked her, ”Is your college workshop mixed?” Her answer shocked me. No.

She said they had advertised it as specifically for White students, but that students of Color had applied anyway. There was an interview process to ‘balance’ the class (I think gender, primarily), and they had turned down all the students of Color based on their race alone. I said, “I don’t think you can do that.” She assured me that she could–and pointed out that she is co-leading the workshop with a high-up (White) administrator at the college.

Reportedly, the ‘full’ students of Color who applied to the workshop understood why they were being turned away when the purpose of the class was explained to the them. But there was one biracial, half-White, White-appearing student who is still figuring out their racial identity who was also turned away from the workshop–again based on their race.

This woman’s primary training curriculum idea is that we should hold separate trainings for White People and People of Color–and that the White People training should be led by a White person and that the People of Color training should be led by a Person of Color. “Where do the multiracial people go?” I asked. Her idea (theoretically) was that they (we) should not only have their own bi/multiracial group, but that they(we) should also be allowed to be part of the White People and the People of Color groups (but not the White People college workshop?). This is also obviously assuming that biracial and multiracial people are all ‘part’ White, which they are not.

She trotted out the old ‘tragic mullato’ (she didn’t use those exact words) theme of bi/multiracial people needing their own group so they can figure themselves out, because she knows ‘they’ have self- identity issues. I didn’t even go there.

I stuck with my main issue, which is this: To me, the best part of antiracism training (especially around here) is getting a racially diverse group of people together, talking,  in the same room. Monoracial groups of people gather and talk all the time, sometimes about race and racism. But bringing everyone together is the most educational part of this kind of training.

To some people it makes sense to teach White people about White privilege in a more ‘comfortable’ setting–but doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of talking about White privilege in the first place? I mean really, a purposefully segregated all-White group of people talking about White privilege? As my partner said, “First you have to get White people comfortable enough to say ‘Black’–in front of an actual Black person.”

Then there’s the excluded biracial student. I was angry about that. The woman said that was the only student she felt bad about turning away, and that she wished she had ’somewhere else to send’ the student. But she didn’t.

I felt somewhat invisible in this context. If you are White-appearing, as I am, you are a beneficiary of White privilege (which means you may benefit from/have a lot to offer a workshop on White Privilege or Whites Fighting Racism or Whatever). It reminds me of another invisible-People-of-Color moment, when the Undoing Racism group was discussing canvassing for information about what it’s like to live in our state as a Person of Color. The canvassers would be targeting People of Color–that is, visible People of Color. I pointed out that this method of collecting information would miss a lot of People of Color (using several of us sitting at the table as examples). In that survey, I (and that biracial student) wouldn’t be counted as a Person of Color, but when it comes to the White Privilege workshop, I would. And I’d be excluded both times.

I just want to go on the record as saying I do not believe trainings about race or racism or White privilege should be racially segregated. (I’m still not even sure this is legal.) As a multiracial person in a multiracial family with four multiracial kids, I don’t think anything should be racially segregated. A training about combating racism that uses a person’s race as a criteria for admission? That sounds like racism to me.