Race Preference in Adoption

This American Life aired a piece on NPR–on January 18, 2008–about a Nurse/Actress who worked in toy store FAO Schwartz’s Newborn Nursery (hat tip to Mixed Race America and Land of the Not-So-Calm). Here is the toy store’s promotional quote:

What You Will Experience When You Visit a Newborn Nursery:
As you enter the area, you’ll hear sounds of happy baby noises cooing from the nursery viewing area. When you peek through the glass, you’ll see a variety of babies with all different complexions and hair and eye colors. It’s almost too difficult to choose just one bundle of joy to take home! Once you do make your selection, a sales associate dressed like a real nurse, will help you put on your hospital gown. Papers are then completed with the baby’s name, address, and birth date. The “nurse” will carry your baby out of the isolette and will place him or her on a changing table. She’ll conduct a full health examination of your baby and then she’ll teach you how to hold your baby. New “parents” can shop for accessories (including dresses, blankets, shoes and more.) to make their new arrival the prettiest baby on the block!

(There are a lot of things about the way FAO Schwartz handles infant doll adoptions that really bother me, but I am going to focus on adoption and race issues here.)

The 17-minute American Life story is so worth listening to (download the whole “Matchmakers” show here and then fast forward to 41:00 minutes). The narrator is a light-skinned biracial (White and Mexican) woman working as a ‘nurse’. WARNING: PLOT SPOILER AHEAD . . . The dolls/babies begin to move quickly after they are featured on a segment of the TV show ‘Rich Girls’. Most of the ‘adopting mothers’ (approximate age: 7 years old) are White. Not surprisingly (to me at least), FAO Schwartz sells out of all the White baby dolls–within weeks of Christmas. The doll factory is back-ordered until mid-January. FAO Schwartz’s doll nursery has only minority Babies of Color available for sale adoption.

After the White babies are gone, then the Asian babies sell out. Next to go are the light brown (Latino/Hispanic, Native American, multiracial?) babies. The nursery is then full of Black babies–along with one factory-rejected White doll (with melted-together fingers that make its hands look like flippers). The unsellable factory-reject White floor-model doll is purchased adopted when there is an entire ‘nursery’ full of perfect Black babies dolls available.

Nothing about this story surprises me; it is simply play (some would say art) imitating life. I’m going to talk about supply and demand here. Let’s pretend we’re just talking about the FAO Schwartz doll nursery.

The people paying for the dolls/adoption are (for the most part) wealthy White parents, with White daughters choosing their baby to adopt doll. The parents want their daughter to have a White doll. Most of the daughters want a White doll. When all the White dolls have already been sold adopted by other little-girl-mothers, the racial hierarchy of doll-adoption flows the same way it does for children in real life. (Although in real life there is also the parallel gender-preference hierarchy. In the toy nursery, the ‘adoptive mothers’ simply state that their dolls/babies are girls. In real life, the adoptive parents request girls and the boys just wait.)

Here’s a real-life paralell example: a site that hosts pre-adoptive parent profiles*, families waiting for domestic–usually infant–adoption (NOTE: this site only accepts heterosexual, married couples–and most are Christian as well). Of the hundreds of currently listed waiting families:

• 88% would ‘accept’ a White baby
• 33% would ‘accept’ a South American or Hispanic baby
• 28% would ‘accept’ an Asian baby
• 26% would ‘accept’ a Native American baby
• 14% would ‘accept’ a Black baby

I ran these same stats for an article I wrote two years ago, and the numbers were just about the same. For biracial babies (White/____) the numbers of families willing to ‘accept’ a child rises. Adoptive parents still think raising a part-White biracial child will be easier, less complicated, than raising a ‘full’ (for example) African American child. (Ha!)

There are also the corollary international adoption statistics. The top 10 ’sending’ countries for 2006 provided U.S. families with 18,290 new children through international adoption. By region of the world, these children are from:

• 43% from Asia (China, Korea, India)
• 26% from Eastern Europe (Russia, Kazakhstan, Ukraine)
• 24% from Central and South America (Guatemala, Colombia)
• 7% from Africa (Ethiopia, Liberia)

The parts of this doll adoption story that strike deep inside me echo the same heart-issues I have with race and adoption in real life. Although transracial adoption should not be taken lightly (At all!), I have been kept up many a night thinking of all those Children of Color waiting for adoptive families, all those pregnant women seeking families for their unborn Children of Color. When will skin color and race be just one more thing we see when we look at someone (like their gender or their height)? When will light skin stop being a tally in the ‘plus’ category and dark skin a tally in the ‘minus’ category? If we as transracially adoptive parents are not expected (or able) to get past this light/dark skin-tone scale, who will?

I remember one pre-adoptive parent I was working with who was considering switching from the willing-to-accept-a-White-baby-only category to the ‘biracial’ category. This parent had a potential ‘match’ and wanted to know if their unborn biracial child would look ‘more White or more Black’. I gave the standard multiracial-children-come-in-all-shades response. But what I really wanted to say was, “If you have to ask that question, I don’t think you get it.” Black/White biracial is Black. If a parent can’t accept a ‘full’ Black child as their own, how can they embrace the Black-ness of a biracial child? As a country, we must be willing, no, committed to discussing race and racism and White privilege–as they relate to adoption and foster care (and to everything else).

Although I believe that no one should adopt a child they do not feel prepared to parent (race/ethnicity or known special needs), becoming a parent is not a multiple choice menu. Just because parents engineer their child to be what they desire or (in the case of adoptive parents) are ‘willing to accept’–that does not by any means guarentee the menu-selected individual will be the child those parents receive (through birth or adoption). When you have children, you get what you get–much of your child is unknown no matter how you build your family. The unknowns involved in building a family are both magical and scary, but IMO worth all the risk.

* NOTE: Finding accurate statistics for domestic adoption is impossible. Statistics are collected for almost all states for foster care adoption, but infant adoption is regulated by individual states, and neither states nor the federal government collect these statistics.

Living Inbetween

Pinch-hitting with Hairstyles: Teri’s hair is slowly growing out in the back from long-rubbed bald. She finally has full cover back there, but only maybe 1/3 the length of the rest of her hair. For quite a while, the back was so short I couldn’t really do anything with it–and it was so short it didn’t tangle. But late last summer her hair grew to the point where it was prone to snarl, and I was left struggling for hairstyles that incorporated the bitty-fuzz in the back and didn’t look totally goofy. I don’t like to do the same style over and over because it pulls the same hairs in the same direction, and her hair needs a rest. Aside from the 24 hours after a full bath and hair conditioning, her hair is always styled nowadays: the length, the winter dryness, the hats. I’ve looked and looked for pictures of styles for toddlers/young children with short-ish kinky hair who can’t sit still for long (and will probably get peanut butter in their hair and need the style taken out after less than a week). Not much. So I’ve made up my own hairstyles. I’ve looked at books and online for ideas, and then modified them to something that works for us. This picture above is a current favorite we’re calling Star Hair (to accompany Rocket Hair and other family-named styles).

Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: Last Monday night I took Jaja and Rico to the college’s evening MLK day celebration. I go to events like these and am reminded how White our town really is–it’s not my imagination. There are a couple transracially adopted kids of Color, a handful of adults (parents) of Color that I know socially, and a slightly larger handful of college students of Color. On MLK Day, my husband was listening to NPR and heard a Person of Color from our state talking. This person said, from their perspective, the people here (in our mostly White state) are not racist, they are simply very inexperienced with People of Color; the end result may look the same (racist comment), but the intent is totally different (I don’t know that I agree with this point of view, BTW). This person also said it was exhausting having to educate people here about race day in and day out (this one, I totally agree with).

Sibling Dynamics: My three oldest kids started a dance class last week, but it didn’t go well. I received a call from the recreation department earlier in the week letting me know the teacher was concerned about having siblings in the same class, and that they were considering splitting the class into two classes. (This is a 45 minute class in a town 20 minutes away.) It turned out there were 10 children in the class today, 5 of whom are part of sibling groups (my 3 and a set of twins). The teacher was not happy. It is little things like this (a pre-stated prejudice against sibling groups) that push me right over the edge. I assumed my kids would be minorities in this class–and they were (Rico was the only boy and Jaja was the only visible child of Color) but the triple whammy is more than I can comfortably swallow. The kids had really been looking forward to this class, but all three of them (separately and for different reasons) said they didn’t have a good time. And Jaja was decidedly not smiling when I arrived to pick them up. We’re dropping this dance class.

Race–The Power of an Illusion: I had the opportunity to watch the 3rd part of this film (for the third time) recently. All I can say is, you have to see this movie. It will change your entire perspective on race in the United States.

Segregated training–other perspectives: I have been thinking a lot in the last week about segregation, including voluntary segregation. The overall consensus (of the varied people I have consulted) seems to be that it is okay to have segregated groups–that they serve a purpose. These include groups that are segregated by gender (”men’s groups”), sexual orientation (”lesbian couples group”), or race (such as the “People of Color focus group” I was a part of). The caveat is that there should be another group available for someone who wants to join such a group but is ineligible for whatever reason (a women’s group, a single lesbians group, a hetero couples group, etc.) which leads us into a “White people focus group”–which is not a far shot from a Whites-only training.

Here are my hang-ups with this separate-but-equal line of logic. (1) Separate is never equal. (2) What about the in-betweeners? The multiracial and biracial people. The students of color raised by White parents. The bisexual and transgender people. The people who are breaking up with a partner or just getting together with someone new. Is is really in our best interest (or even feasible) to have separate groups for everyone? We’re losing a growing number of people through the cracks here by making the qualification-criteria so specific. They’re shutting out all us in-betweeners. And when we have more than one in-between identifier, we can feel practically invisible (like some of the amazing Women of Color bloggers I’ve been reading who are commenting on the Obama/Clinton dichotomy: gender vs. race. Where do Women of Color fit into this dyad?).

Speaking of biracial: Here’s a great interview with Barack Obama’s sister. Barack (as we all know by now) is biracial: White mother and Black Kenyan father. Barack’s sister (the one interviewed here) is also biracial: White mother and Indonesian father. I also found an insightful article about Barack’s experience growing up in Hawaii as a biracial Black youth.

Segregated Training?

I’ve been working on a curriculum for anti-racism training for a while. I am also the point person for the Education/Training sub-committee of our Undoing Racism group. I met with another committee member to discuss training ideas, and also to hear about a workshop on White Privilege she is currently co-leading at the local college. As we talked, I realized that she and I have very different perspectives on the purpose and best structure of training, specifically on the racial composition of groups.

Let me explain. During our conversation, I told her that my biggest challenge in designing a training for our area is the inherently racially unbalanced group we would be training (think at least 75% White, probably more). She talked about how People of Color have carried the burden of educating White People about racism for too long, and how it’s time that White People take on the responsibility for educating themselves. I was with her so far. And then she said we should be designing a training on White privilege for White people only–led by White people. I asked her, ”Is your college workshop mixed?” Her answer shocked me. No.

She said they had advertised it as specifically for White students, but that students of Color had applied anyway. There was an interview process to ‘balance’ the class (I think gender, primarily), and they had turned down all the students of Color based on their race alone. I said, “I don’t think you can do that.” She assured me that she could–and pointed out that she is co-leading the workshop with a high-up (White) administrator at the college.

Reportedly, the ‘full’ students of Color who applied to the workshop understood why they were being turned away when the purpose of the class was explained to the them. But there was one biracial, half-White, White-appearing student who is still figuring out their racial identity who was also turned away from the workshop–again based on their race.

This woman’s primary training curriculum idea is that we should hold separate trainings for White People and People of Color–and that the White People training should be led by a White person and that the People of Color training should be led by a Person of Color. “Where do the multiracial people go?” I asked. Her idea (theoretically) was that they (we) should not only have their own bi/multiracial group, but that they(we) should also be allowed to be part of the White People and the People of Color groups (but not the White People college workshop?). This is also obviously assuming that biracial and multiracial people are all ‘part’ White, which they are not.

She trotted out the old ‘tragic mullato’ (she didn’t use those exact words) theme of bi/multiracial people needing their own group so they can figure themselves out, because she knows ‘they’ have self- identity issues. I didn’t even go there.

I stuck with my main issue, which is this: To me, the best part of antiracism training (especially around here) is getting a racially diverse group of people together, talking,  in the same room. Monoracial groups of people gather and talk all the time, sometimes about race and racism. But bringing everyone together is the most educational part of this kind of training.

To some people it makes sense to teach White people about White privilege in a more ‘comfortable’ setting–but doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of talking about White privilege in the first place? I mean really, a purposefully segregated all-White group of people talking about White privilege? As my partner said, “First you have to get White people comfortable enough to say ‘Black’–in front of an actual Black person.”

Then there’s the excluded biracial student. I was angry about that. The woman said that was the only student she felt bad about turning away, and that she wished she had ’somewhere else to send’ the student. But she didn’t.

I felt somewhat invisible in this context. If you are White-appearing, as I am, you are a beneficiary of White privilege (which means you may benefit from/have a lot to offer a workshop on White Privilege or Whites Fighting Racism or Whatever). It reminds me of another invisible-People-of-Color moment, when the Undoing Racism group was discussing canvassing for information about what it’s like to live in our state as a Person of Color. The canvassers would be targeting People of Color–that is, visible People of Color. I pointed out that this method of collecting information would miss a lot of People of Color (using several of us sitting at the table as examples). In that survey, I (and that biracial student) wouldn’t be counted as a Person of Color, but when it comes to the White Privilege workshop, I would. And I’d be excluded both times.

I just want to go on the record as saying I do not believe trainings about race or racism or White privilege should be racially segregated. (I’m still not even sure this is legal.) As a multiracial person in a multiracial family with four multiracial kids, I don’t think anything should be racially segregated. A training about combating racism that uses a person’s race as a criteria for admission? That sounds like racism to me.

The Juggling Act

The last two weeks have flown by, and still I’m mired in my perpetually lengthening to do list. I’m almost there on a couple new items: the finishing touches over at MultiracialSky.com and the launch of my first Etsy store. We’ve also had two kids with the flu, one with an earache, hosted a birthday party (and had a birthday), worked out our 2008 budget, had a 4-day visit from the in-laws, and sent Daddy back to work after his 10-day vacation.

Upcoming events include weekly ballet/dance classes for Jaja and Rico (and maybe Gretel, if the teacher will take a three-year-old), my monthly meeting of the Undoing Racism group (from my training last fall), the Antiracism/White Privilege training curriculum I’m developing, as well as a possible part-time job working on Racial Justice in our state. Plus the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, art projects, flashcards, puzzles, and cleaning that go on here every day.

I get stuck in my own conflicting philosophies, whether it is better to make yourself happy (whatever happy means) or to help other people. Whether intimately touching a few lives is more important than (potentially) influencing many from a great distance. I am pulled between all the the dreams I had/have for my life, and I stand frozen at crossroads where I must choose one or the other; I stop at other places where my dreams and my partner’s do not intersect, looking, hoping for a bend in the road ahead that will bring our aspirations together, even when I am fairly sure there is none.

I am caught in a place where I wonder inside myself, day and night, whether it is enough to simply live a good life, if the choices I make speak for themselves. Or if I must be a loud and busy activist to right all the wrongs I see in this world, especially the injustices that effect some of my children more than they effect me. I definitely have Survivor’s Guilt, as Jae Ran so eloquently describes.

I wonder if I could just be a full-time painter, with a housekeeper/nanny, let my kids go to any old monoracial school–if this imaginary life is even in me anymore. I am stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I never let go (for good and for ill). I know this about me; I don’t know that it’s something I can change. I stand here looking at all the possibilities I’ve been (barely) keeping in the air. It’s time to make some choices, because for the first time in my life, I know I can’t have them all. Not in this lifetime.

Homeschool ~ Nov/Dec

Highlights of our homeschool/unschool kindergarten curriculum: 

• Write numbers 0-30
• Define the word ‘peace’
• Talk about double entendre and words that sound the same but have two different meanings (piece/peace, bear/bare)
• Write lower case letters
• Read several ‘level 1′ easy reader books from the library out loud (Jaja)
• Ice skating/Ice hockey class (5 weeks)
• Building with large wooden blocks: castle, barn, houses
• Talk about the difference between an emergency and a crisis
• Go on multiple hikes
• Talk about what you get physically from your birthparents
• Ice skating (free skate) at the town and college rinks, and on our back deck rink
• Tempera and watercolor paintings
• Play in the snow, including sledding and shoveling
• 100 and 300 piece jigsaw puzzles, and wooden puzzles
• Talk about the ’stories’ of Thanksgiving 
• Orienteering (Jaja)
• Day trip to New York City
• Visit the American Museum of Natural History
• Yoga with Grandma
• See the play “The Christmas Bus” and talk about orphans and orphanages
• Listen to the book Ballerina Dreams and talk about physical [dis]abilities, including cerebral palsy
• Talk about the difference between bones and cartilage, and look at pictures of skeletons
• Downhill skiing with Dad
• Card wool, and talk about fleece/wool/sheep
• Talk about Jesus and crosses, and why Jesus was killed
• Make paper chains and yarn ‘puff balls’
• Talk about ‘pretend’ and ‘magic’, especially Santa and wands
• Sign name 100 times on holiday cards
• Cross-country skiing