Comments on: Where are the Outraged Parents here?

By: Kat

Kat — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 21:28:35 +0000

I’ve only just discovered your blog (love it), so I’m coming to this discussion late, but have just read the post regarding Tama Janowitz’ offensive comments. I’m mom to a three-year-old daughter we adopted from China. The comment at the beginning of this post that most adoptive parents think they are saving a child from whatever fate awaited them had they not been adopted also offended me. I imagine there are many adoptive parents who feel that way, and shame on them if they do, but most of my fellow adoptive parent friends bristle everytime someone tells us how lucky are children are that we adopted them. We give the usual line that we are the lucky ones, because we are, but it’s difficult to make people understand. I think if you’re adopting to save a child, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. It’s an honour for us to be our daughter’s parents, and it’s also an honour and privilege to be able to celebrate her culture at every turn, to be with people who share her heritage, from friendships to cultural events. I should point out that, far from feeling I had saved my daughter, I cried as our bus was leaving for the airport in Beijing, knowing I was taking our daughter away from her culture. I attend every workshop and conference I can in the hope that I can be a better parent to her. A recent one on transracial families, with an amazing panel of adult adoptees and adoptive parents, was an eye-opener. I know we will make mistakes along the way, but I hope that, armed with knowledge, and a genuine love and appreciation for her culture, and a huge distate for offensive cultural stereotyping, such as the comment made by Janowitz, we can raise our daughter to be proud of who she is, and where she comes from. I had a friend who told me I was being too sensitive when I called her recently on a ridiculous comment she made. Like it or not, I’m forced to educate the idiots out there who mistake racism for humour, ethnocentrism for wit. Which, come to think of it, I was doing long before our daughter joined our family.

By: Debbie Georgens

Debbie Georgens — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 16:35:22 +0000

TJ’s words hit me like a punch. I found myself cringing for her daughter, embarassed that Jana has not educated herself and risen above such horrible thoughts by now as Willow’s parent, and really, really surprised that the NYT would publish this. I am an AP who read this too late to comment. Thank you for this opportunity to post.

By: Talula

Talula — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 23:33:01 +0000

Sadly; it is not just the “white” class or culture who behaves in this way toward their adopted children in this world. Historically; “saving” children from their own family trajedies and culture has been the norm in many societies through-out the ages. There has been (and still is) a particular type of person who takes children from those circumstances and considers them to be pets, welfare projects, as stated earlier a “fashion accessory” or even as domestic or sexual slaves. I have been lifelong children’s advocate and educator who has seen it firsthand from all sides. I can only pray loudly to the universe along with those ethical/ caring parents for more loving and nurturing people to take-in or adopt children for the for the right reasons and for the “human kindness” that is needed so desparately by these children who will become the leaders of tommorow. For by loving these “lost” or “leftover” children and raisnig them with beauty and kindness; honoring their beginnings is just a tiny step to the global peace we (or at least most of us) strive, hope and pray for to whatever god we claim. good luck to all adoptive parents.

By: Ryan

Ryan — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 21:46:49 +0000

I am just SICK reading this… and further pissed off that I can no longer comment!!!! I am completly shocked that a mother would say a comment like that to her dayghter. Wow.

The irony to me is that this AP thinks that her daughter is being a typical teenager, when in fact, the mother sounds like a HORRIBLE mother.
As for this little comment: “A girlfriend who is now on the waiting list for a child from Ethiopia says that the talk of her adoption group is a recently published book in which many Midwestern Asian adoptees now entering their 30s and 40s complain bitterly about being treated as if they did not come from a different cultural background. They feel that this treatment was an attempt to blot out their differences, and because of this, they resent their adoptive parents.” I don’t think that the Midwestern Asian’s in the book are “complaining”. Complaining = bitching because your husband wants to watch UFC for the gazillionth night in a row. Obviously Tama didn’t read the book, because if she had she would have a COMPLETLY diferent perspective.

I wish I had known about this earlier. I don’t think (or as least I PRAY) that adoptive parents just weren’t aware of the NYT blog post, because any that I know would have been over there in an INSTANT raising hell.

Please know that there are PLENTY of adoptive parents who are doing things the RIGHT way. We are reading, researching, and fighting for our children’s self and their futures. I truely believe that this generation of adoptive parents will turn the tide. I hope. Many of us are HAPPY to see that certain countries (Like S. Korea) and working hard to keep their babies domestic. We are even MORE THRILLED to see that true “open adoption” (with international adoption) is becoming more common. In fact, I had a dream last night that my son’s first mom showed up at my door step and when I opened the door we embraced sobbing into each others shoulders.

Anyway, I hope to God that this NYT article is a POOR representation of AP’s. It is in my opinion.

Ryan

By: Ken

Ken — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 16:09:04 +0000

Well put, and thanks for your efforts to get more attention to it.

Even if you take the comment to her kid as satire, that doesn’t erase the overall dismissive tone towards concerns about how adoption impacts adoptees.

The obligation as a person of good faith is not to reach a particular conclusion; it’s to be open to the discussion about the impact of adoption and not treat adoptees as if their job is to make us feel good about ourselves.