Life Links 9

• Don’t Stop Believing  from Harlow’s Monkey ~ on ‘older’ children (patiently) waiting in the United States for an adoptive family

• I Am Not a Bridge~ the new post by Sumeia (a.k.a. Ethnically Incorrect Daughter) at the NYT Relative Choices blog

• What is a bridge? ~ accompanying commentary on the above post at Resist Racism

• Blog is Beautiful: People of Color challenge mainstream views online ~ an article from the Boston Globe

• Check All That Apply: Multi-Racial Identity and the Re-Making of America ~ Ten years after “multi-racial” became an option on the Census, what’s the legacy of the movement that pushed for such changes and what’s the next step? from Movement Vision Lab

• The Myth of Pure Whiteness from Los Angelista ~ on being and defining multiracial

• The Nine Most Racist Disney Characters ~ WARNING: some of the comments following the piece are really offensive

• A Call for Better Adoption Safeguards ~ A reader response letter in the Washington Post

• The article (Slamming the Door on Adoption: Depriving Children Abroad of Loving Homes) to which the above writer was responding

• Whether or not this article is true, it is a powerful switch from the usual cross-cultural adoption perspective ~ from Jane’s Blog

Holidays Our Multicultural Way

Our family holidays and traditions focus on family. (We will be with more than 50 members of one side of my husband’s extended family for Thanksgiving next week.) Our family’s holiday celebrations also revolve around seasons. After unceremoniously moving this way for years, our family is now making a conscious (also verbal) effort to celebrate the original holidays that many national holidays were slapped over oh-so-many years ago.

• At Thanksgiving time–the Harvest Festival–we focus on gratitude and remembering our blessings
• At Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa time, we are returning to a Winter Solstice celebration of light and giving
• At Easter time–the Fertility Celebration–we focus on spring and rebirth
• In late June/4th of July, we celebrate high summer, Summer Solstice (the longest day of the year), and Juneteenth

As each comercialized holiday season rolls around, we use the increased community attention as an opportunity to talk with our children more about specific perspectives missing from mainstream culture:

• What really happened at ‘the first’ Thanksgiving dinner? How did the Native Americans and English Puritans (the stereotyped ‘Pilgrims and Indians’)  really feel about each other and treat each other?
• Who was Jesus? What did he do? What do people believe about him? What is a prophet? Who are other biblical and non-biblical prophets?
• Why do our Jewish friends light their menorah at Hanukkah?
• Why was the holiday of Kwanzaa created? Who celebrates it? What are the 7 principles of Kwanzaa?
• Who exactly gained ‘independence’ on the Fourth of July? (And who didn’t?)

One of our main goals with holidays is to be inclusive, (probably an outflow from living in our multiracial family). We hosted a Multicultural Family Celebration (yes, we called it that) on New Year’s Eve a couple years ago. It was a family-focused vegetarian potluck here at our house. We still had our Holiday evergreen tree up and decorated. It was the 6th night of Hanukkah and friends brought their menorah to light. Other friends came in party-clothes from their home countries. We sang songs. It was the last night of Kwanzaa, and it was our family’s all-inclusive multiracial and multicultural celebration (which came out of my understanding that the celebration of Kwanzaa usually includes only people who have ancestry from the African diaspora).

In addition to family and seasons, we use holidays as a time to again think of others who are living through difficult times. Throughout the year, we encourage our children to reflect on the experience of other people (they usually think of children) who do not have as many advantages and comforts as our children. We are really careful to talk about this (especially because some of these are people our children know personally) in a way that does not induce guilt, but that encourages them to (a) be grateful for what they already have, (b) consider whether another purchase/present/item on the eternal wishlist is really necessary, (c) think about what others need–as opposed to what they/we simply want.

Our family has one friend in particular (I’ve known him since I was 11 or 12) who lives and works in a very impoverished neighborhood. In addition to just generally taking care of his friends and neighbors (and anyone else in need who comes to his attention), he houses and cares for homeless pregnant women, and then for the women and their newborns for a period of time after the babies are born. We send him money (mostly for fans, heating oil, and cab fare to the hospital) and diapers, baby clothes, and anything else he says he needs.

Last fall, Rico and Jaja decided we should taks all the presents family members sent to our kids in December–and then box them up and mail them to our friend so that he could give the gifts to kids who didn’t have any presents for the holidays. The kids’ idea inspired us to talk to all our family (and ‘chosen’ family) and request that they send money directly to our friend’s organization, or to my brother (who then went shopping for specific items our friend had requested).

Now, I’ve got to be honest, this idea was not universally well received. There were several family members who took personal offense that we were asking them not to send the kids presents. (Please–no more stuff! We don’t need anything and I don’t know where we’ll put it!) Some family members instead gave money in our name to charities I do not philosophically support–but it was a start.

Without realizing it, our family has returned to celebrating the passing of the seasons instead of participating in most contemporary holidays. Even birthdays (which are a big deal here at our house, with a cake and singing and royal-treatment all day on your actual birthday, and a party on the weekend with lots of friends and more cake and singing) are focused on the person’s completion of another trip around the sun, a year to be reflected on, learned from, and celebrated.

Back to the U.S. holiday closest at hand: Thanksgiving. Here are some resources for parents seeking historical accuracy, age-appropriate content, a way to tell the entire story and still feel good about celebrating Thanksgiving. (My thoughts? We’re celebrating the end of a fruitful year and all the blessings our family has received.)

• Giving Thanks: A Native American Good Morning Message: This book appears to have universally good reviews from all corners. (A new book for my wishlist.)
• Teaching About Thanksgiving: A succinct recounting for parents who want to know the full story of the ‘first Thanksgiving’ including who the real participants were. (This article gave me a new perspective on the historical longevity of Christian fundamentalism in this land.)
• Oyate: “Oyate is a Native organization working to see that our lives and histories are portrayed honestly, and so that all people will know our stories belong to us. For Indian children, it is as important as it has ever been for them to know who they are and what they come from. For all children, it is time to know and acknowledge the truths of history. Only then will they come to have the understanding and respect for each other that now, more than ever, will be necessary for life to continue.” Visit their resources page for the article “Deconstructing the Myths of the First Thanksgiving” as well as books to avoid about Thanksgiving and recommended books.
• American Indians in Children’s Literature: A new blog discovery for me, with many resources including suggestions and commentary about the way we represent Thanksgiving.
• A Resource List for Teaching to or about Native Americans: A comprehensive list of books, not just related to Thanksgiving. (I’m going to have to come back here).

Where are the Outraged Parents here?

I’ve been reading the (rightfully) outraged commentary about the grossly entitled New York Times post by transracially adoptive parent Tama Janowitz. If you haven’t read it yet, this is the quote that is driving everyone the most mad:

So in a way it is kind of nice to know as a parent of a child, biological or otherwise - whatever you do is going to be wrong. Like I say to Willow: “Well, you know, if you were still in China you would be working in a factory for 14 hours a day with only limited bathroom breaks!”

Here’s why I haven’t written about Ms. Janowitz before now . . . Because I was waiting for the ground-swell of outraged adoptive parents, the ones who are just as angered and sickened by this commentary on [adoptive] parenting as the censored adult adoptee voices. But those adoptive parents are nowhere to be found.

The only adoptive parents I have found who are speaking out about this mess are Paula (who is also a transracial adult adoptee) and Dawn (who says only that adult adoptee voices need/deserve to be heard).

Now I’m all for hearing from adult adoptees; there is no other way to have a full and accurate discussion regarding adoption. But where are the adoptive parents who think that Tama’s attitude is garbage (and dangerous garbage at that)–just because it is!? This post offends me, and not just because I visualize my children, my friends as Tama’s child.

The anxiety that keeps me up at night is that Tama’s viewpoint really is that of most adoptive parents. That although adoptive parents may not be so ‘funny’/casual/cruel about it, they really do believe they have saved their child. Saved them not only from poverty, but also from their birthfamily and birth-culture. This ’saving’ which then necessitates some level of gratitude from the child.

Which is why these same adoptive parents do not feel obligated to bring their child’s birth-culture into the family, or even into their child’s life. As a family member of mine said (oh yes they did, and in a totally honest way), “What exactly is good about Black American culture?” But that was a (now educated) extended family member; that was not my partner or me. (And boy, did I have to sit there and breath for a minute before answering that one. I think I started with the brilliant, “Are you kidding me?”)

I had my partner read Tama’s post last night. His take was that she was playing on a stereotype of a brash, self-centered New Yorker (”F-you, kid!”). And then the photo of Tama and her daughter at the top of Susan’s post this morning made me think ‘child as fashion accessory’ (and honestly, I never think that of APs, not even Angelina Jolie).

AN ASIDE: I can’t believe that we (those of us who are part of the adoptive family ‘community’) are still debating whether an adoptive parent-child relationship is different–for the child or the parent–from a biological parent-child relationship. Can we just agree–it’s not better or worse, but IT IS DIFFERENT. And the adoptive parent-child relationship is (not in a bad way, but in a real way) also more complicated. When can we acknowledge these truths, and move on? As long as we (adoptive parents) try to pretend that adoptive relationships are the same as biological relationships, we are living in the land of denial. (It’s like saying that a multiracial family is the same as a monoracial family, or that a 2-mom family is the same as a mom-and-dad family. None is better or worse than another, but I think we are all (most of us?) aware that living in a multiracial family or a 2-mom family is probably inherently more complicated.)

My major disbelief? I cannot believe Ms. Janowitz has been chosen as a representative/average adoptive parent voice.

My biggest fear? That she is.

  

FURTHER READING

Posts by adult adoptees, including scathing commentary on the NYT’s refusal to publish their comments:

• A Comment About the Comments & All The (Adoption) News That They See Fit to Print, from Paula at Heart, Mind, and Seoul (Paula is also an adoptive parent.)
• New York Times aka “The Adoption Police?” & Relative Choices? from Harlow’s Monkey
• Shut Up, Tama Janowitz. Just shut up. And turn in your parenting license while you’re at it. from Susan at Reading, Writing, Living
• Racist M/Paternailsm at its Best, from Lisa Marie at A Birth Project
• To Willow Janowitz: You’re Not Alone, from Sarah Kim at Outside In
• The New York Times: Gatekeeper, Censor, from Twice the Rice
• Tama Janowitz on NYT Adoption Blog, from Sun Yung Shin

Other Posts:

• Save one, win valuable prizes & What you should have have read in the NYT, from Resist Racism
• Whoa. Hey. People - this isn’t ok, from Dawn at This Woman’s Work
• The New York Times Censors Adult Adoptees on Adoption Blog, from Racialicious

Multiracial Hair

I spend a lot of time on my children’s hair. Teri’s hair is at a length where it is almost–but not quite–long enough for cornrows or small braids. The back is just growing out from nearly bald, and the sides are also short. My goal is to secure the edges (which get dry and knotted the quickest) and create a style that will last for 2-4 days with minimal re-parting (daily spray with oil/water mixture, gentle brushing of each individual puff, and the occasional re-fastening of a slipping ponytail). The four-ponytail X-style is a current favorite, although the tiny back puff makes the style a little uneven. Dawn is right: it’s all in the straight parts. Even a super-fancy style with crooked parts looks sloppy.

Aside from syrup and other assorted goodies caked into her hair, Gretel’s locks are fairly simple to style, but nothing stays in for long. Her fine hair slips out of every kind of band, braid or ponytail I devise. The best bet is to secure her hair close to the hairline with quick and simple styles–because no matter what I do, I know I’ll be re-styling again tomorrow.

Rico has a very short hair cut (he calls it a shaved head) for the first time in his life, after years of long hair, and then the long-awaited mohawk for his birthday this fall. When his hair is long enough to reach his eyes, it must be held back (probably one of the reasons he loves all those hats), because his thick, straight hair falls directly into his eyes. Tight braids work best, and will hold for up to three days. Rico is now growing his hair long again. His dark, fast-growing hair is a lot like mine.

Jaja had her first major haircut this fall, and is now sporting a chin-length bob. The goal of this haircut was to decrease the morning fuss-attack about brushing her hair (and it has worked). In the colder months (about 6 months a year here) her fine, wavy hair needs to be braided almost all the time to protect it from static and knots. I taught myself how to french braid last year, and Jaja’s long hair spent most of last winter in snug braids, a style that took 25-40 minutes to put in, and lasted 2-4 days.

My children receive extra attention and extra scrutiny from the general public–and from acquaintances and friends–because they are part of a multiracial family. This applies even more to my visible children of color. Neatly parted, brushed, and styled hair is my top leaving-the-house priority (followed closely by clean faces, moisturized skin, and reasonably clean clothes). Somedays I wish I could just let my kids roll out of bed and step out the door with birdsnest-hair (like many of their friends), but that would not be fair to them.

I was questioned today about Jaja’s curls (as in, ‘where did they go?’) Her baby hair was curly; her little-kid hair, not so much. I was told that curls are ‘in her genes’–as is stick straight hair, we pointed out. There is still the expectation that biracial and multiracial kids will have a certain texture of hair, a certain color of skin, or a certain shape or color to their eyes. Not so.

In our family, there is occasional grumbling that Teri is the only one with enough hair curl and thickness to really hold cornrows, two-stranded twists, or tiny box braids. The hair-styles for kids with highly-textured hair are so much more interesting to my kids. But the promise of a green mohawk or five braids with multi-colored ponytail holders will suffice, most days.

More info on caring for and styling all children’s hair, especially multiracial children

Life Links 8

• On the use (and mis-use) of the descriptor Anti-Racist, by Lisa Marie from A Birth Project

• Considering the meaning of two generations of Korean adoptees in the same (American) family, from Heart, Mind, and Seoul

• Colorblind by Carmen Van Kerckhove (my editor at Anti-Racist Parent) from Race in the Workplace

• The debut covers of Vogue India and Vogue China feature the same White European model, from Racialicious

• The spectrum of adoption fees, from Shannon at Peter’s Cross Station

• What We Black Women Love About Our Hair from The State in South Carolina

• A new blog feature at the New York Times: Relative Choices–Adoption and the American Family [NOTE: The series seems to be focused on (a) international adoption, and (b) Asian adoption. There are 7 adoptee blogs listed on the NYT page, all 7 are international adoptees from Asia.]